time to blogg, im very depressed....

im not even gonna go on about the shit going on at home, im going to take u back a bit.... friday night, she was away in keflavik... i was talking to her, she said she loved me, and missed me... fast forward.. satuday night....... me and Kelli and Pééts rented 2 videos... Shallow Hal - Apocolypse now Reduxe... watching shallow hal, laughing... get a phone call "shit mar! folk er byrjad ad mæta strax! shit mar! koddu nuna! eg er buinn ad taka fra sæti fyrir thig! flyttu ther!!" i looked at the guys and said, "eg umm.. er ad pæla i ad mæta bara nuna" they looked at me with startling eyes, the kinds "wow this guy should be institutionalised, lets laugh about it!" and i finally got them to go with my now to the queue... 10 hours befor we had planned to... what queue u say? well of course the Nexus queue for tickets to LOTR : TTT ... we came there, sat down. had a few laughs with the people there... had a few packs of sigos, alot of the guys there were already getting on my nerves... how they spoke 90% english and bad english at that, allways using some phrases from japanise anime cartoons and shit, there was a guy there that was with us in the last queue a year ago, we talked about family guy, himen, tom and jerry, transformers, nintendo (the 1st one) and shit like that... i got tired when he sarted talking about comics, DC comics this and that Marvel comics this and that... batman, spiderman, superman... i drifted away from the dialogue all togather... i was getting cold, i wasnt dressed for the occation.. i had 1 pair of socks on, wet shoes, no hat, no gloves, no blanket or quilt... i was lucky enough that i had a chair waiting for me, Kelli and Pééts were all armored up with a fine quilt and 2 pairs of socks, hats gloves and everything!... i couldnt feel my legs... fast forward = its 7am wait had been 6 hours now, thats how long we waited last year and we were the 1st once to get tickets then, now i was the 5th... and yet we had to wait another 10 hours... i was getting so cold i couldnt think... i couldnt sleep yet Kelli and Pééts were fast asleep so was most of the queue... Raggi calls me "djöll er ég full'r mar! shit! ertu kominn í biðrönna mar?!" he came down to the queue, drunk as fuck!... around 8:30 he started to sober up so he went and slept in Kellis car... already alot of people were here and i couldnt wait till it was 9am so i could go get some food and sigos... my ears were frozen blue and i was worried my feet were frozen dead... but i kept on, it was fun... it was just what i needed with everything going on... i kept thinking what would she think when i told her that i had waited in 16 hours for movie tickets, i thought she would laugh, call me silly or something... i couldnt wait to see her again, yet i couldnt stop to wonder what she was doing in Keflavik, the 2nd weekend in a row... sounded suspicious, but i thought naah! she said she loved me and missed me last night, that was so good to hear... know somebody loves u, that thought alone kept me through the night.. fast forward on 2pm... sun is up and around 150 people are waiting now... we have had 4 medias visit us MBL.is, DV, frettabladid, moggin and stöd 2... i havent checked any of them to see if there was a picture of me in it, around 9am befor Kelli had driven Raggi home and got me a blanket and a black russians hat too... his way of saying "thanks for the breakfast" he went back to sleep, 2pm... the owners of nexus had brought out a TV and a DVD device for those of us who had waited the longest, they were so adorable to put Familyguy on... god i love family guy.. the whole bunch! Peter, Brian, Stewie, Quagmire, Meg, Louis, Chris.... that was fun... around 3pm i get a SMS text msg, at the time i was very happy.. i mean... the sun was up, my friends were there, family guy... i opend my text msg box, it was a msg from her, i smiled thinking ahh, she just got up, i bet she misses me, i open the msg and die instantly "eigum vid ekki bara ad vera vinir?" all of a sudden my eyebag became heavyer and my whole face melted down... i heard a funny joke on familguy, yet didnt laugh... something was wrong.. i didnt even think about replying... i was dead on the inside... noone noticed thank god... someone asked me something, i cant remeber what, i didnt reply to them.. i just started at that message for a long long time.. my phone vibrated again... i didnt want to see what it said, i was hoping for her to tell me it was a joke, that she was kidding, turn out it said "eg tek thetta sem nei, eg er ordin hrifin af einhverjum ödrum (all of a sudden the two weekend in a row trips to keflavik make sense) thetta er my x og eg er entha frekar hot fyrir honum og hann hot fyrir mer, krissa sagdist ætla drepa mig ef eg gerdi thetta. thu matt fa til baka allt sem thu gafst mer" i said i was dead already, well now i was 6 feet under and cremated... i started thinking, was i too ugly for her? too boring? too compassionate? didnt she like it when i stroked her hair? what did i do wrong? whats wrong with me... i became dead... of course it was my fault.. it had to be... with me everything is allways my fault.... a read the message again "eg tek thetta sem nei.." i read that a couple of times... untill i felt guilty... i instantly thaugh "ohh my god she must feel awful!" i hate myself, i allways do that... i went inside a place where we had access to a toilet, i went inside the toilet sat down and started replying.. i re wrote it a bout 5 or 6 times... it allways came out so hostile and hateful.. ended with something like "eg var ekki vid simann, eg væri ad ljuga ef eg sagdi ad mer lidi vel... en thetta er thitt lif og thin akvördun, eg verd bara ad reyna ad virda thina akvördun, eg held vid getum aldrei verid venjulegir vinir, en eg skal reyna, og thu matt eiga allt sem eg gaf ther, tho vid seum hætt saman tha gaf eg ther thetta samt" she replied something, dont remeber, i told her i would talk to Krissa about it... cuz if krissa woulda said something to her it woulda made me feel even worse, so i sent her something like "eg skal tala vid krissu um thetta, ef hun yrdi ful uti thig myndi eg kenna mer um og eg tharf ekki a thvi ad halda akkurat nuna" she replied something like "thetta er ekki ther ad kenna" and i relpied to that "eg er bara sona..." then i got from her the last SMS she will ever send me (hopefuly) "thitt vandamal! ekki mitt!!" ... it was 4pm... 1 hour left... someone asked me in joke "jæja, eigum vid ekki bara ad fara nuna" and i stopped to think, i dont really care... i could just aswell be hit by a car right now.. i wouldnt care... 4:30 a friend of mine, who got me the seat in the 1st place, and the one who called me to indicate that i should arrive now came back, he had been working since 12.. he looked at me and said "er eitthvad ad? thu lytur ut fyrir ad vera daudur mar" i looked at him, he was the only one who knew that something wasnt right with me... i said to him "blessar mar, ekkert ad mer... bara kalt og eg er threyttur og sona" and he looked at me with that sceptical "hes not telling the whole truth" look and said "jæja... en thu veist ad thu getur allveg talad vid mig sko ef eitthvad er ad" i didnt want to talk... if i would start crying... and i didnt want to.... we went in bought the tickets... the 4 that were ahead of me bought 3 tickets each (the maximum) so they had taken 12 of the best seats in the house... left us with good seats... but not the best, under normal surcemstances i woulda been furious but i didnt give a fuck... quite francly i didnt give a fuck about the tickets any more... to me the queue had been a waste of time... normally i would not have thought that way... i went home... got into bed.. slept for 2 hours... raggi woke me around 7pm... told me we were going to watch some videos at his place... i woke up and he asked "varstu ad grata?" i noticed my eyes were all wet, had i cried in my sleep? most possibly... i said "nei mar, taradist adeins i svefni... dreymdi eitthvad rosa bandariskt eins og thegar hetjan deyr en bjargar heiminum" and we laughed a bit... i got into his car... my depression had changed into desperate sadness... i kept thinking what she was doing... i was wondering where she was... and why she left... she left gone to me.. she was gone! gone forever! and all that is left is a big hole in my heart...we watched some movies.. cant remeber what movies... some crappy once he picked... fell asleep over them... woke up around 4pm the next day... raggi drove me home, i had work at 6pm... i felt so bad... unimaginably...so sad.. so alone... i had noone to go to ever.. i was alone in the world... abandoned... i went home... mom was there... i was smiling and hugged her and asked if there was anything to eat around here as allways... she looked into my eyes and asked "er allt i lagi Asgeir minn? thu lytur ut fyrir ad vera eitthvad svo down a thvi?" eg leit a hana brosandi (ad utan) og sagdi "nei! :) allt i fina lagi, af hverju ætti ekki allt ad vera finnt" but i knew, mom saw right thru my fake smile and right into my bleeding heart... i took a shower... i cried in the shower... not that im proud of it but noone saw me cry so i let it out... shaved, brushed my teeth... looked in the mirror and realise why she dumped me... of course it was about how i looked, i mean i would dump myself if i was going out with me... went to work... talked to krissa... suddenly... i felt alot better... after a short conversation i started looking at things from a new perspective... and i smiled a genuine smile... its better to know where you stand... it was alot of pain not knowing where i stood.. i feel liborated and free... but still hurt and depressed at the same time... but at least now i can go on with my life... i cant sleep tho... havent slept since at raggis place.. not that long ago but im awake now...almost 8am... i dont think im going to be alone for a while like i thought i would... im so lonely right now, i feel like i need someone... i dont know... this has all been very good for me, letting it out like that.. i doubt anyone will read it... but it feels good writing it down... peace out

im going to continue to write on english, i think its a more expressive language... icelandic isnt an expressive language, thats why we hardly have any good lovestorys writen in icelandic, it was made my cold a cinicle people, thus the language itself is in fact cold, and cinicle, and egosentric and ethnosentric aswell... its constantly being systematicly overrun by pride and shit like that, " we the icelandic people are the best there is in the world! we're too good for the helenismic influence from america! " and yet we are overcome by the american helenism! so in a word the icelandic language is hipocritical... im not saying that the english language isnt systematicly overrun by this and that, but it comes from so many directions, icelandic comes from iceland, but english comes from all over the world!, i would like to point out that i do make a distinct difference between english and american language, not that thats of any importance, or anything that i write is ever of any omportance to anyone... but i have some wits yet left within the depths of my mind, if you can read between the lines, and figure out the metaphores i hope i have something useful to say... i have alot of wisdom passed on to me through the ages! (whole 18 years of them!) but that wisdom got masked by my o so hovering cloud of confusion and questions that i can only share it in a metaphorical kinda way, also if people ask me for resolutions i can give a direct answer, i've helped some of my dear friends through tough times throughout the years... yet i cant seem to help myself... arent psychiatrists all depressed and filled with anxiety like the rest of us? are they free of the opression?

im a ruined soul after todays work, for those of you who dont know it i work at a home for mentally handicapped, mostly people with down syndrome but also some people born with rare birth diseases and suchforth... one guy at work called Reynir was really hungry, today was his favorite! i made him lasagnea!... i knew he loves it and thats why i made it... yesterday i had tomato soup and he HATES tomatoes so i figured i'd be smart today... but he was eating really really fast and i tried to make him swallow befor he had another bite but he didnt listen, i was helping Elias on my right hand with his medicine when all of a sudden i hear a chokin sound... i turn to Reynir and he is all blue and red in the face! i stand up and grab him around and chest and started doing something! i dont know heimlich! surely enough after about a minute of pumping his ribcage about a handful of lasagnea gushes out all over... i almost had a heartattack... i grabbed him and said "Dont ever scare me like that again!!" i wasnt angry, i almost sobbed... i havent really gotten over it yet, i havent even begun to figure out yet what happend, was it my fault? did i save him? did i save him from myself? argh!! i have to quit this job! its tearing apart my soul! and i have too many things that are already doing that today... today is a special day... i read my horriscope, so far so good... its all come true... just have to wait and see if it follows... im talking about my monthly horroscope by the way, i dont really want to tell people what it was, but it made sense... very much sense... in a spooky kinda way...

i sat down in school today and started thinking, time passed by and yet i was thinking... looked at my clock, danish starts in 40 seconds... i have nothing better to do, also if i skip this class i flunk in danish for this cemester... and y'know what? i sat and kept on thinking... felt liberating, the clock is todays slavemaster, if im having a good moment working out my issues the why the fuck should i be going to danish? now i knew if i had gone to class i would pass danish in the exams... i woulda been rid of danish 103 forever... but i also knew it would cease my thinking and that it would make me feel rotten for the rest of the day, and y'know what else? i feel damn right good about bailing on english, someone once told me bailing ment dancing in spanish... that bit of wisdom meant alot to me... and i dont mean that in an ironic kind of way...

this weekend will be the sculptor of the rest of my life, i was supposed to be going on 2 dates...and i was supposed to be working, and i was supposed to be studying, bailed on the dates, got out of work and FUQ studying... im going to drink solid straight from thursday to monday... theres the Icelandic Airvawes its a 4 day music festival taking place downtown! all the clubs are open to me cuz i have a bracelet... Dj Storm, The Hives, Fatboy Slim, Blackilicious, Gus Gus, Minus, Snafu, Brain Police and so many many many many more exquisit artists. im not going to study in this state of mind, ok in know people are going "man thats a stupid way of looking at it!" but for someone who doesnt give a shit about education... seeing as education is like erm... i dont know, brainwashin is a harsh word... but more on the lines of molding us into social robots... i dont want to have to go to years and years of school to end up as some cheesy ass lawyer of accountant or something, sold my soul for the good old green $$$... fucking money!!! excuse the language... but i have to get my juices out by using words like that... i want to be a writer... and i want to publish my works for free... online or something... but i would be forced to have something for a living... so if i would become a writer i would most likely publish my shit... under a trademark! what has that gotten me?! all my opinions and belifes on life shatterd away like broken glass cuz im systematicly forced to follow the horde, a depressing subject that doesnt deserve more words....

i love my bedroom, its my lair.... i like to persionalise my bedroom as a lair, cuz in a way it is, it was a cold square object when i 1st moved in here but it has adjusted to me, next phase is to draw a picture across the whole wall, i decited it to be an epic of times in a simbolic kinda way... i've made some scetches of it, havent liked any of them, but then again i have never liked anything i have ever drawen in that kinda way, only things i can say "yeah, im proud of having done that" is when i get positive reviews from people i know that are honest about my work and that i care about, so that its a solid thumbs up for me... but so far i havent showed my wall scetches to anyone, i decited that i want this to be something I can be happy about... after all its going on my wall... i love coming in here, my bedroom is cold, the walls are blue.. 80R 100G 130B (RGB speaking) its one of my favorite colors, i wanted to paint it dark angel green but its too expencive seein as thats no normal paint... i have 4 plants in my bedroom, 3 of them hang from the wall, fuq if i know what theyre called and then there is the "þraukari" or the survivor in good english... its a small cutoff that was given to me from a woman at work she gave it 50% chances of surviving if i took good care of it, but 1 night i got really really drunk and decited to give it some water and mistakingly poored a bunch of moonshine into the pot... also later that night my brother used it as an ashtrey for a bunch of cigs... so it was an unpleasant sight, then i went of for a few days and my mother didnt give it water as i had asked her to so it was dry as a MF when i got back home, but its still standing! and with an attitude!... i really love the plants :) did you know that plants get scared? and thats they tend to like music, i recon my plants like Bowie :) as i said my bedroom is cold, and the lighting is fucked up... a picture i made in model drawing shortly after a family tradegy hangs ductaped to the wall and a certificate i signed when i was 10 years old stating "I Ásgeir Viðar Árnason hereby agree to the terms of this contract, i wish to stay away from the dangers of life and achieve a full phisical and mental growth and be free from drugs alchohol and cigarettes" hehe, at least i dont do drugs, and never have... the other 2 sorta... well... i like to tell myself i dont smoke, but thats just me lying to myself in the dark... and i only state the fact that i dont drink alchohol when im very drunk :)... but when i come into my bedroom after a long day i sit down in my busted down chair turn on Winamp put some good songs on and sigh... the kinda sigh you go "ahhhhhhhhhh.... " like your replenished, my eyes will almost close and i feel relaxed, i need to make my bedroom work out from a feng shui point of view tho...i dont think it does... but what am i blathering about?! who cares about my bedroom! argh... i hate myself sometimes...

i think i will cease my writing for now befor i say something i will regret. befor i lay my heart on the table to be smashed... so farewell for now!...

I'm going to follow Krissa's example and write in english for our scotish friends...

this weekend:

Life went pretty fast... shit happends right? well shit DID happend indeed... well.. i should had put that in a more digestive kinda way... but i erm... i don't know... shit didnt really happend, but alot of stuff did... for instance! i went out on the town... for the 1st time of my life... yeh... well maybe not the 1st time, but for sure the 1st time i've ever had fun.... i ate 1 12' subway the whole weekend, had a melted one (bræðingur) with peppers, tomatoes, cabbage and gurkins... with some jalepanos and majones... not that it's at all relevant to anything... anyways... erm... where to start... i must speak of this weekend in metephores (or however the fuck its spelt) like i would say... this weekend was a gorgantual bear monster that i defeated with the lance that is my courage... i'm not an antisocial person, but i like to act like one, specially in school... whereas im surrounded by prowlers and ghouls... zombies to the american industrialism... everywhere i look i dont see people, i see trademarks... sad but true... makes you doubt future excistance of the few repelled... well in my school anyways... my school is very transversal as how we the industrial copyright owned by Nike Footwear or whatever... then we have the artsy fartsy "weed is the way to longlivity and prosperity!!" kinda people that study philisophy from a pencils point of view... (i dont mean that they write theyre philosophy down with a pencil, more like hold a pencil staring at it going "whyyy?" ) and i fit in neither one of those groups but am forced to pick between... most times i just sit down at the library with a book on Salvador Dali showing all his most exquisit work... that really helps put my mind at rest... but the wordly worries lay heavy on my shoulders, despite the fact that i shouldnt have any worries, i have me, my education and my work! what have i got to worry about?! some people call me depressed, some people call me scitso, some people call me a tormented individual but the best definition i've got so far is that i am wierd :) think about it, being wierd isnt a bad thing, its an opressive sign that doesnt console to the system or and dis-functional functions that should or should not work depending on how the people holding the cards please... i spent about 17000kr this weekend, thats like a 150 quid... thank god! thats 150 quid less to worry about... money is easy to spend, thats the only good thing about it... but sadly enough its also easy to come by... i was offerd 15000kr to make a tattoo on some blokes car... narrating it = someone i didnt know at all wanted me to create a very personal thing on his CAR and was willing to pay me money for it, the million ways of saying no floated around my sanity befor i said "no" simple and fullfilling without any complications or loose ends, i coulda said "YOU EGOSENTRIC ROBOT! YOU EXPECT MY ART TO BE SOLD FOR SOMEONE LIKE YOU?! YOU MAKE ME SICK!" but that woulda lead to more unpleasant things, like arguing and stuff... plus he looked like someone who could take care of himself so "no" was the smartest option in the situation.... talking about tattoos, i worked out my 1st tattoo, ill put it online once its 100% completed, it will be on me by then... so ill post a picture of me with it on in due time... im going to have it a nordic circle around my arm... (i've heard that under the arms is the worst place to be tattoed on, we'll see!) its going to have a thin border on both the upper and lower sides, in it will read Ásgeir Viðar Árnason in runes... in runes my names is something like ASXMIR VIDAR ARNAZOT just looks alot cooler in actual runes, i've got the runic alphabet sealed of somewhere in the depth of my (in)sanity... i memorised it a few years ago and it has come in handy... inside the cirle itself will be nordic dragon style art, not much online the kind of art cut out in the old icelandic battleships, i made a scetch of it and it would really look good... im aiming for it to be around my arms in early november...

more metaphore : "my lights gone out, its hard to see... but it feels and smells like love... too bad my garbage-disposal is broke, this one is too big for the bin" yeh, that sounds about right... and also "i need to rip my chest open and tear out my heart, but be sure to set it to 6:30 in the morning so ill wake up" those metaphores are best described as ambient textures for the atmosphere of this weekend, not the social atmosphere but more like the weekend from a meditative point of view, i have to stop meditating, its really disturbing my sleeping, eating and workout habbits... sometimes i wish i could rewind a bit... just far enough to have said some things i shoulda said and done some things i shoulda done, but dont we all wish that? too bad it cant be done... i also wish there was a manual when you are born, you would pop out with a manual and a copyright in hand, "ownership yourself.inc all rights reserved under copyright law 1984 (tm)" and a manual called "how to live life for geeks" chapter 6 would be "how to deal with love in the many forms" but no, all you get is a lousy rope that you dont even get to keep! fasism!

i'd like to say a few words for my scotish friends Ross, Cameron and Euan : you lot are the best bunch of lads i've ever come across, and im a richer person for having had the honor of meeting you... i've got a feeling we will meet again seeing as i have yet to come to scotland, and i will! mark my fucking words i will... just a question of when really... you lot have got to keep in touch and be sure to have a trunkload of marsbars waiting for me at the airport :) im very awfully sorry that i couldnt get downtown to say goodbye to ya, made me very sad that i didnt get to say g'bye...

i've been listening too much to songs that relate to me that its getting addictive, people could really put themselfs into my state of mind by listening to songs like "Alice in chains - down in a hole (accoustic)" and "Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb" or "The White Stripes - Dead leaves and dirty ground" or "Tool - Eulogy" or even "The Smiths - Asleep" not to mention "Incubus - Are you in (which is a very misunderstood song)" and "Clint Mansell - Lux Aeterna" this list could go on forever and forever... but dont get used to it, listening to songs that in any way relate to your current mental condition is a very addictive habbit, emencifies your situation... bad shit...

i cant keep going... but i cant stop typing... i have so much i would like to say but i fear the consicuences of saying them... things that are in dire need of saying but could harm me beoynd repair... see the conflict? let me put it in metaphore... i have to pull the dagger out of the chest but i know if i remove it i will bleed to death, none the less it hurts like hell, all i want is peace of mind, i havent had peace of mind for ages, too distant to remeber, too expressive to express... to deep to dig after... too bright to look at.. peace of mind? isnt that just a distant concept? really... i meant peace of mind is a myth... when are you at peace of mind? when the worries are gone? when the love is gone? when the feelings are gone? maybe its not a good thing, one who is at peace of mind would be a robot, thinking about it i know alot of people that are at "peace of mind"... "peace of sanity".. ? "peace from humanity"? , thats it, being isolated from society... being numb... yeh, no! being at peace of mind is not a good thing at all... ii dont want to be socially catagorised... i dont want to follow values that are passed on by TV and Music... i dont want to be a consumer... im forced to none the less... i wish thing would work out like they do in my dreams... ironic as it is... me = the opressed bitter depressive individual has beatiful dreams, wonderful adventures and lovely things... i really love dreaming, cuz life is good when i dream, i dont have nightmares... havent had for years... because real life is a nightmare... compared to my dreams... alas i dont have any other choises... i am at a crossroad... and you know what?! im not going to follow the fucking road to anywhere, im going to wander off into nowhere as other people will follow the road, maybe i will find someone in the wilderness, maybe i already have, but like i said, i cant see it, but it feels and smells like love... love for the second time..? why did it have to happend to me?! curses...

Peace...

P.S i know i have a million typos and errors but i write in such haste i cant worry myself with it...

af hverju var ekkert kúl cover til að velja um? var allt eitthvað grautfúlt "wannabe '60 surealism"...


ég ætla að skrifa hérna bara þegar ég get ekki sofið í lengri tíma... af hverju standa gaddar útúr dínuni minni? af hverju er alltaf allt svo BJART!... af hverju getur fólk aldrei skilið svefnleysi... sá myndina insonbnia med Al Pacino, hún túlkaði það nokkuð vel fannst mér, nú hef ég verið að stríða við svefnleysis síðan ég var ástfanginn fyrir rétt rúmlega 2 árum.. það kom og fór, svaf kannski í nokkra mánuði, fekk svo sms, eda simhringingu fra henni, eda hitti hana kannski a röltinu.. þá var ég allveg búinn á því, það tók mig langan tíma að gleyma henni, og partur af mér dó í leiðini, þannig af hverju þurfti það að gerast aftur? mig langar mest að rífa úr mér hjartað og stilla það á 06:30 svo ég vakni nú öruglega í fyrramálið... hvað er klukkan? ekki nema 12:21... af hverju er ein mínuta allveg korter eða eitthvað?!... sekundur eins og heil eilífð... ef ég ætti nú bara klukku sem væri sona klikk klokk klikk klokk klikk klokk klikk klokk klikk klokk klikk klokk klikk klokk klikk klokk klikk klokk klikk klokk klikk klokk klikk klokk klikk klokk klikk klokk klikk klokk klikk klokk klikk klokk klikk klokk klikk klokk klikk klokk klikk klokk klikk klokk klikk klokk klikk klokk klikk klokk klikk klokk klikk klokk klikk klokk klikk klokk klikk klokk klikk klokk klikk klokk klikk klokk (já ég gerði copy & paste, hvað með það?) þá gæti ég verið kominn með handrit af sona echo evrópskri listrænni mynd sem fengi einhver verðlaun í noonegives afuq sýningunni í búlgaríu eða einhverstaðar það...


las um daginn á mjög áreiðanlegum underground rússneskum fréttavef að þaðværu 5000 ára gamlar rústir á tunglinu og mér er eiginlega sama.. ekki eins og þær séu þar enþá, og ekki eins og þær séu eitthvað að bögga mig ap bypja mig um að gera stöff fyrir þær eða neitt... so why care?! argh hvað ég verð stundum leiðinlegur þegar ég sef ekki.... downloadadi Insombniac - Faithless, sá gaur hefur aldrei upplifað svefnleysi sko, "Yeah, I only smoke weed when I need to And I need to get some rest Yo, where's the sex? I confess I burned a hole in the mattress Yes, yes, it was me, I plead guilty And at the count of three I pull back the duvet Make my way to the refrigerator One dry potato inside, no lie Not even bread and jam When the light above my head went bam! I can't see, something's all over me, greasy Insomnia, please release me and let me dream
About making mad love on the heath Tearing off tights with my teethBut there's no relief I'm wide awake in my kitchen It's black and I’m lonely Oh, if I could only get some sleep Creaky noises make my skin creep I need to get some sleep I can't get no sleep..." ég meina ég get sagt "að vera skotinn er gegt sárt" en þeir sem hafa verið skotnir vita allveg að ég er að bulla... ég hata peninga svo mikið, hvað fólk er tilbúið að leggja annað fólk í gegn um fyrir peninga, þá er ég ekki bara að tala um sona worldwide starving marvin gimme cash dæmi heldur t.d GATOR SOFTWARE!.. og POPUP AUGLÝSINGAR! ég meina það hlítur að hafa verið eitthvað fólk sem hefur fyrirfarið sér hreinlega sökum popup auglýsinga... og fyrir hvað?! 0.34 $... og hvað með japanann sem hjó einhvern gaur í tvennt með einhverju sverði því að viðkomandi sem var hoggin drap brjálæðinginn í einhverjum TÖLVULEIK! á netinu!... (allt sona sjitt gerist á stað sem heitir U.S.A) en vá hvað ég dýrka þegar fólk á eitthvað sameiginlegt með mér... ég er samt að brjálast... ég lít út eins og einhvern náttfari útaf svefnleysinu.. með poka niðurfyrir allt... ég lít út eins og Zombíarnir í Braindead...



þegar maður hefur ekki sofið lengi er það eins og að vera fullur... maður segir hluti sem maður meinar en vill ekkert vera að segja, maður man ekki mikið, maður sér hluti (ofsjónir eru ekki bull sko) og ofaná það er manni illa við ljós, geðveikt flökurt.. alltaf. máttlaus, langar gegt í gottkaffi og sígo... hvað er klukkan eiginlega? 12:34.. ég vild ég gæti sett tíman æi vorp 9, enagage! og allt í einu komin helgi...! yaaaay..... ég ætla að vera fullur frá föstudegi til sunnudags.... ég held ég geti ekki sofið útaf helgini, mig kvíður hana ekkert smá, mig kvíður hana svo mikið að ef ég pæli í því þá liggur við að það líði yfir mig... ekkert grín sko... ég hef verið verið slysabarn samfélagsins síðan ég fæddist, eins og skrímslið í frankenstein, allveg ágætis gaur sem enginn vill koma nálægt... ætli það sé ekki ástæðan fyrir því að mig kvíður helgina? ofan á það held ég að ég sé að verða ástfanginn aftur, mig langar mest bara að vera tilfinningalaus hálfviti stundunum sem nær ekki tilfinningalega lengur en magnarinn sinn... "já! var að giftast 1000w stútara 15x 33 einhverstaðar vestur 22.. spasla bara uppíða sko!" helvítis pakk! en ég öfunda þá út af því að þeir eru kalir og áhyggjulausir, ég er svo cursed! ég er svo efnishyggjulega... erm.. hvað er orðið? ég hata hluti, og ég hata peninga! ég hata ekki fólk, nema sjálfan mig... mér er illa við slagsmál þó að bestu vinir mínir lifa fyrir slíkt, mér er illa við hroka, og þannig... mig dreymir um líf þar sem ég get notið andlegs friðhelgis með einhverri sem ég elska, en svo kemur köld bunan í andlitið og ég opna augun fyrir eilífðri eimd, af hverju ætli búddamunkar séu alltaf einir? því að þegar maður kemst á það stig að vera illa við veraldleikan og hlutlægni er bölvun mannfe´lagsins sú að maður er dæmdur til einveru, þannig samkvæmt þeirri kenningu er ég nú þegar munkur, ekki það að það sé eitthvað að því, því after all er ég karlmaður og get alltaf bara grátið inní mér, eins og "alvöru karlmenni" gera... ég er samt ekkert hræddur við það að gráta! og er stoltur að játa það!, ég grét þegar fósturpabbi minn dó, ég grét eftir fyrsta daginn minn í nýju vinnuni (emmotional overload) og ég grét eftir verzlunarmannahelgina sem ég ætla aldrei að fara nánar útí...



af hverju er ég sona hreinskilinn! ég kenni svefnleysinu um... (og það á hvort sem er enginn eftir að sjá þetta sem betur fer) ef að kaffi er bandaríkjin þá er svefnleysi írak... hvorugt af hinu góða en berjast samt á milli sín þrátt fyrir það hvað þau eiga mikið sameiginlegt!... andskotinn ég ætla ekki einu sinni útí pólítík... ég vakti mikla hrifningu í gær í gyminu, ekki það að ég sé að monta mig af neinu, ég gerði mér samt grein fyrir því í dag að þetta er í fyrsta skiptið sem ég hef vakið athygli með einhverju sem ég gerði... það var nú ekki mikilvægara en að taka 178kg 25x + 15x +15x í fótpressu... tók svo 165 kg með kálfunum 15x + 15x + 10x .... það var gott að fá smá viðurkenningu fyrir eitthvað, þetta var hálfgerð víma... það er samt ekki gott mál þegar fólk montar sig yfir einhverju "ég tók þetta mikið hér og þar í hinu og þessu!" en ég má nú til fyrst þetta er fyrsta skiptið sem ég hef eitthvað til að monta mig yfir... er þetta ekki farið að vera komið gott hjá mér, ef ég gleypi þessar svefntöflur þá posta ég ekki aftur í senn, en ég talaði við manneskjuna sem ég er að fara að hitta um helgina í dag og las bloggið hennar, hver veit nema það verði til þess að ég sofni...ég finn það skuggalega á mér að ég sé að fara að sofa í nótt.. enda tími til kominn... nú man ég ekkert hvað ég er búinn að skrifa núna, eflaust MILJ'ON! stavedníngavilur en ég tek enga ábyrð á því... ég er með vottorð uppá það að ég sé vanheill á geði fræa Dr.Kristrúnu Kristmundsdóttur yfirlækni geðheilsu minnar :) góða nótt algleymi...